The Joke Lab 13

The Old Man

A public relations consultant died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in a queue to see St Peter. 

But, to his surprise, St Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the consultant was standing.

St Peter greeted him warmly. Then St Peter and one of his assistants took the consultant by the hand and gingerly guided him up to the front of the queue into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The public relations consultant said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St Peter replied, "Well, we have added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by our calculations you must be about 193 years old!"

The Joke Lab 11

The Marketer's Mercedes

 

The Marketing Manager had bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. 

 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. 

 

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. 

 

The officer spoke to the marketer and said "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The Marketing Manager, used to finding the right words for any situation, thinks for a moment, then says, 

 

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

The Joke Lab 10

True PR

A mathematician, an accountant and a public relations officer all applied for the same job with a large company.

The interviewer called in the mathematician first and asked, “What does two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replied, “Four.”

The interviewer asked, “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looked at the interviewer incredulously and said, “Yes, of course: four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer called in the accountant and asked the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”

The accountant said, “On average, four — give or take 10 percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer called in the public relations officer and again posed the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”

The public relations officer got up, locked the door, closed the shade, sat down next to the interviewer and whispered, “What do you want it to equal?

The Joke Lab 9

A Marketing Moral

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. 

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. 

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. 

The moral of the story? In Marketing, if you try to please everyone, you might as well... 

Kiss your ass good-bye.

Brought to you by the Makers for effective marketing. Corporate Talk.

The Joke Lab 8

Good PR!

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Not knowing how to proceed, Moses calls a staff meeting.

"Well, how are we going to get across the sea?" Moses asks. "We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us."

"Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across," the General of the Armies says, "but there's not enough time - the Egyptians are too close."

"Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across," the Admiral of the Navy says, "but time is too short."

"Does anyone have a solution?" Moses asks.

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

"You!" Moses says, "You have a solution?"

"No," the PR man says, "but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three full pages in the Old Testament..."

Brought to you by Corporate Talk PR. 

The Joke Lab 7

The Top 10 Signs You Work In Marketing

10. You lecture the kids selling cashu nuts on ways to improve their point of sale ratio.

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your shamba as "deliverables."

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of Kenchics and at the most expensive chinese restaurant in town within the same week.

5. You wear black to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.

4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

1. You think a "half-day" means leaving work at 5 o'clock.

Brought to you by Corporate Talk.

The Joke Lab 6

Apple Marketing

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. Marketing was the key to my success."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

The Joke Lab 5

Marketing Explained

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?"
That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a buck. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?"
That's Advertising.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow get her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Customer Relationship Management.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Hard Selling.
 

You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
Now THAT is the power of Branding.

The Joke Lab -=Extra=-

Third Way

The Optimist says, "The glass is half full."

The Pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

The Marketing Consultant says, "Your glass needs re-sizing."

 Brought to you by Corporate Talk.

The Joke Lab 4

 

Dog-gone Amazing

 

A man was out driving, when he came across a flock of sheep. He got out of his car, and walked over to the shepherd tending the sheep. He asked,

 

"Are you a betting man?"

 

"Why do you ask?", said the shepherd.

 

"I'll bet you Kshs 2000, to one of your sheep, that I can guess the size of your flock.", he said.

 

"You're on", said the shepherd, "How many sheep have I got?"

 

"367", came the answer.

 

"That's amazing," exclaimed the shepherd, "You're absolutely right! go and pick yourself a sheep."

 

Having claimed his prize, the man was walking away, when the shepherd called out to him.

 

"How about another bet- double or nothing.", he challenged.

 

"What's the bet?", said the man.

 

"I'll bet you that I can tell your occupation, and who you work for."

 

"That's a bet." said the man. "What do I do?"

 

"You're a marketing consultant, and you work for the government.", said the shepherd.

 

"That's amazing," said the man. "How did you figure that out?"

 

The shepherd smiled. "Put down my dog, and I'll tell you."

The Joke Lab 2

 

Ship It

 

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows on the car. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!

The Joke Lab

Marketing Training Trip

 

Three marketers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three marketers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a marketer.

 

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three marketers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

 

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the marketers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the marketers don't buy a ticket at all.

 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers a marketer.

 

When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three marketers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the marketers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. 

 

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."