The Joke Lab 5

Marketing Explained

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?"
That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a buck. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?"
That's Advertising.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow get her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Customer Relationship Management.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Hard Selling.
 

You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
Now THAT is the power of Branding.

The Joke Lab -=Extra=-

Third Way

The Optimist says, "The glass is half full."

The Pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

The Marketing Consultant says, "Your glass needs re-sizing."

 Brought to you by Corporate Talk.

The Joke Lab 4

 

Dog-gone Amazing

 

A man was out driving, when he came across a flock of sheep. He got out of his car, and walked over to the shepherd tending the sheep. He asked,

 

"Are you a betting man?"

 

"Why do you ask?", said the shepherd.

 

"I'll bet you Kshs 2000, to one of your sheep, that I can guess the size of your flock.", he said.

 

"You're on", said the shepherd, "How many sheep have I got?"

 

"367", came the answer.

 

"That's amazing," exclaimed the shepherd, "You're absolutely right! go and pick yourself a sheep."

 

Having claimed his prize, the man was walking away, when the shepherd called out to him.

 

"How about another bet- double or nothing.", he challenged.

 

"What's the bet?", said the man.

 

"I'll bet you that I can tell your occupation, and who you work for."

 

"That's a bet." said the man. "What do I do?"

 

"You're a marketing consultant, and you work for the government.", said the shepherd.

 

"That's amazing," said the man. "How did you figure that out?"

 

The shepherd smiled. "Put down my dog, and I'll tell you."

The Joke Lab 3

The Marketer And The Programmer

 

The year is 2030. A Marketer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Nairobi to London. 

The Programmer leans over to the Marketer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. 

The Marketer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a a whole fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me Kshs 500. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you Kshs 500." 

Again, the Marketer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, and confident of his ability, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me Kshs 500, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you Kshs 5000!" 

 

This catches the Marketer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. 

 

The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Marketer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five hundred shilling bill and hands it to the Programmer.

 

Now, it's the Marketer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He logs onto the internet with his KDN Air Modem and searches the net. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. 

 

After about an hour, he wakes the Marketer and hands him Kshs 5000. The Marketer politely takes the money and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Marketer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" 

 

Without a word, the Marketer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer Kshs 500, then turns away to get back to sleep.

The Joke Lab 2

 

Ship It

 

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows on the car. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!

What ever happened to Swine Flu?

 

The trouble with predicting a pandemic is that when it doesn’t suddenly result in tens of thousands of cases almost immediately, people become disenchanted with the process and think that someone has cried wolf.

The truth is, the H1N1 (aka Swine) flu is a novel virus from which pandemics do rise. The fact that information flows rapidly in this global society helps tremendously to control an outbreak and prevent the disastrous results implied by the name pandemic, or so they say.

Information and Education are Key

Education about how to prevent the spread is essential and disseminating this information rapidly is key to preventing the serious situation that could possibly come to pass, an example are the two recorded outbreaks in Kenya which were controlled quite quickly by the government.

The fact is that simply following good hygiene practices can be so easily ignored and overlooked. Handwashing by itself can control the spread of germs in so many instances of illness. Greeting people in and out the office with the closed fist (aka Pound) can prevent cross contamination. Covering the mouth and nose during coughs and sneezes is not only polite, but also helps to contain the droplets that carry the germs from human to human, as long as you are fast enough for your own sneezes.

Disposing of tissues immediately and once again washing hands after contact is necessary and sometimes ignored especially by the person too ill to care to worry about housekeeping.

 

99 Days to the World Cup!

With 99 days to go to the World Cup, this is your last chance to book on DStv with Corporate Talk.

Contact us on +254 (20) 386 82 85 or email us on dstv@corporatetalk.co.ke

KDN and Mathare United Invite you!

KDN and Mathare United Football Club invite you to the first Kenya Premier League match to be played under floodlights, between Gor Mahia and Mathare United FC.

On Wednesday 3rd March 2010 at the Nyayo Stadium. To RSVP contact Simon Taveta on 020 5 000 000 or email simon.taveta@kdn.co.ke.

Bridge boycotts Terry's handshake

GROWTH OF AN INDUSTRY FOR KENYA

Animation is an industry that has been dominated by the West. The concept is relatively new in Africa, but last year nine animation films from Kenya were screened at the prestigious Africa in Motion (AiM) festival held from 23 October - 2 November 2008 in Edinburgh, UK. However, the effect of this exposure  is yet to be felt back in Kenya.


Since the year 2000 to date, hundreds of professional animators in Kenya have been undergone extensive training but not much can been seen from them. Benjamin Waithaka, one of the most experienced professional 3D animators and a tutor at an animation College in Nairobi is careful to point out that the industry is not fully fledged.

At a recent launch of an animation awareness campaign dubbed Vibonzo Kochokocho, Benjamin was pleased with the progress so far and urged other animators to step up their efforts and make the industry a success story. “With the birth of Digital signage, animators will get a demanding market for their graphic services not to mention digital content for TV,” he said.

“Creativity, discipline and professionalism are the missing ingredients most animators need to combine their diverse talents. Many animators have the talent and knowledge but they do not know how to convert that into a means of earning a living,” says Benjamin.

Benjamin was also keen to point out that the recent move by Disney Walt to award an animating contract to Homeboyz Entertainment was an initiative to grow talent within the country. He urges the Kenyan animators to grasp this opportunity and use it as a stepping-stone to greater heights. “There is no proper system to nature and grow the industry, we should have an animation curriculum that will introduce the course at tertiary learning institutions,” added Benjamin. According to Benjamin, his love for creativity at an early age was nurtured through his effort to construct toy cars from locally available materials such as used oil cans. This helped him develop a sixth sense of visualisation.

The launch was concluded with a screening of the best portfolio the Kenyan animation industry has to offer. One is left to wonder whether the industry will hold together to reach full maturity. Perhaps this is based on how effective the Vibonzo Kochokocho campaign be.

Article by David Muthama

The Joke Lab

Marketing Training Trip

 

Three marketers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three marketers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a marketer.

 

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three marketers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

 

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the marketers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the marketers don't buy a ticket at all.

 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers a marketer.

 

When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three marketers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the marketers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. 

 

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."